With Open Hands 

 

After two years of working on my Graduate Certificate for Women in Ministry at Heritage College and Seminary, I’m down to the final month before graduation. When I first started, this day seemed far away but in retrospect, I can’t believe how fast it’s gone by. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on when I received that first prompting to consider going back to school. It was January 2020, just before the world shut down, and at the same time, God was opening my heart to a world I had never considered. 

I, like many of us, do at some point in our lives, had a fundamental lack of faith in myself and in my capabilities. I was full of fear and operating under the belief that going back to school would be just too hard and I’d never make it. Do you hear all that negativity? Two years later, I’m almost done with my program, and I’ve grown in my faith. If I’m not careful, the negative thoughts can paralyze me, and I become incapable of making any decisions. 

Before I started, I was very close to giving up the idea of returning to school. I only knew one person who had taken the course so I didn’t have much anecdotal information to rely on, and I struggled with feeling inferior. Who was I to even consider taking this course? I felt like I needed more information, so I began researching the Moody Bible Institute Certificate in Ministry for Women Program, where my grandparents had met many years before. My mother had also gone there, so it seemed like a logical fit and somehow more “safe” than my original choice. I had a family legacy there…of course, I belonged. 

I started the application process, only to battle against constantly feeling unsettled and like I was running into walls. I didn’t know it yet but God was at work here, leading me away from Moody and drawing me toward Heritage. After much prayer and many conversations (sorry, my dear husband!) I found the courage to apply to the school I really felt called to. And all of a sudden, I found my motivation and my fire. Reaching out to Queen’s University and Trinity Western University for my transcripts was surreal! The back and forth through emails and phone calls transported me straight back to my early 20s, and again I battled with swirling thoughts and lingering questions about my worth. It felt like something my children should be doing, not me! 

But I did my best to ignore them, sending in my application with the thought that what was meant for me would unfold in God’s timing. All that was left to do was wait. During those agonizing weeks, my husband continued to remind me that this path was not an accident and that I had felt called to Heritage for a reason. He was confident that I would be admitted. For me, I actually needed to see the email that said, ‘Yes!’ before it really sunk in. I was going back to school and my journey was about to unfold before my eyes, as only God can do for us!  

The women I’ve met over the past few years are an absolute gift. I am in awe of their heartfelt desire to learn, to know more about Jesus, and to share his amazing sacrificial love with others; the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, the gospel which is the good news for all to believe and receive. The past three years have been full of challenges…my children still need me even though one is working full-time, two are in university themselves, and two others are navigating the middle and high school years. Being there for them while also concentrating on school assignments and coursework hasn’t been easy. At the same time, I’ve found some unexpected memorable moments of connection, trading academic anecdotes with my older kids.  That self-doubt has reared its ugly head from time to time, and every time it does, it gets a little easier to ignore. I feel less like an imposter now and more firm in my foundation that this is the path I’m meant to walk. It just took time, as all things do. 

I graduate next month with open hands. Only God knows my path forward, and I wait expectantly to see what he has ahead. I am in no rush; it’s not my timing. It belongs to him. Knowing this, believing this, helps me to breathe a sigh of relief. I know that I will continue to battle those negative thoughts as I’m thrust into one unfamiliar situation after another once I graduate, but every time they rear their ugly heads, I will try to remember this journey of the past three years and how God led me through it, almost in spite of myself. He has held my hand and walked me through my fears.

May these songs bless you!

 Father Would You Hold My Hand – We Are Messengers

 

Chris Tomlin  – Whom Shall I Fear? 

 

 

 

The Lord is my light and my salvation— 

    whom shall I fear? 

The Lord is the stronghold of my life— 

    of whom shall I be afraid? 

Psalm 27:1 

 

You hem me in, behind and before, 

    and lay your hand upon me. 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; 

    it is high; I cannot attain it. 

Psalm 139:5-6