Friends connecting friends! I love how that has unfolded in my life. These lovely connections have allowed me to meet the most wonderful women through the years. Hollie is a result of one of those connections! I met Hollie Taylor through a dear friend, and since then, we have had some wonderful conversations. Our daughters are very involved in their dance company and share a bond as dance moms! Despite being at different studios, we have been able to share what is unique to each place and learn from one another. I admire Hollie for her love for the Lord and her passion for sharing the gospel. She lives this out transparently in her life at home, her career, and the dance studio! It is a joy to welcome Hollie to the blog to share her ever-changing journey of motherhood! 

Here is the link to our conversation on YouTube!

 

♥

The Ever-Changing Journey of Motherhood

Hollie Taylor

Someone once told me the days are long, but the years are short. I remember thinking, “I’ll believe it when I see it!” I was exhausted. My baby wouldn’t sleep unless I was holding her. She cried, and I felt lost. I wondered what I was doing wrong. Nine months after she was born, I
returned to work because the idea of having a full 12 months at home with my baby felt daunting and impossible. I felt broken and alone. Aren’t children our greatest gift, and raising them our highest calling? If so, why did I feel so unfulfilled and lonely?

Getting married and having children wasn’t a goal of mine growing up. I wanted to have pet fish, not birth children, and to be an auntie to all my friends’ and siblings’ children. I wanted a penthouse in a major city and a career. I felt so passionate about working in media, that even being single ‘till death I do part,’ a ‘punishment’ the evangelical church seemed to push on young women during the height of purity culture was something I would willingly face. The quintessential life I was encouraged to pursue felt confining, and I couldn’t embrace it. Additionally, what good Christian man would want a career woman? I had better get used to being single!

I soon came face to face with a challenging paradigm shift. I met a boy. NO! I met a MAN!! Love won out, but this made me question everything I thought I was. It shattered the image I had of myself, but I was willing to make the shift and pursue love and a career. Soon after, standing in the bathroom half asleep, I found myself looking down at two lines (pre-covid this was a thing to celebrate) revealing that I was pregnant. I felt embarrassed, confused, and struggling with who I was becoming versus who I thought I would be.

Was I losing myself… or was I gaining depth and a more refined version of me?

It feels like a million years ago, and that sage advice from my loving elder was 100% correct. I now look at my nine and seven-year-old (yes, I had another one) and wonder what life would be like without them. I remember those days very clearly and fondly, but I also feel very blessed for the lessons I have learned and my experiences over the better part of a decade. It has been the most challenging decade of my life as I have been required to learn that every day I must gradually let go of my daughters so that, when they are ready to fly, they have the confidence to be fully who God has created them to be. I have learned to focus on others in a different sort of way, but at the same time, I learned how to hold onto who I am. It has been challenging to balance the woman I feel God has called me to be vocationally and to nurture my daughters so that they can grow up to follow God’s calling for their lives.

In creating this balance between career and family, a life-altering transition recently occurred. We were living in Edmonton, and I had a perfect job for my lifestyle with kids, even though it meant sacrificing sleep. My alarm would go off at 4 am to arrive at work on time for the morning show I co-hosted. As early as it was, we found a good rhythm to life as a family. Then I was given the opportunity to challenge my skills and become the new Station Manager for a radio station in the GTA. After three years of saying ‘no’ to the opportunity, I finally said yes to this role that would change life as my daughters knew it. However, I wanted them to witness that you could make room at the preverbal table and do new and challenging things regardless of gender or ethnicity. During a pandemic, we packed up our lives and moved more than 3000 km to an area where housing prices were skyrocketing, my husband had no employment, and the girls had no roots.

Now here we are! We are gradually settling into this new way of life. The girls have learned that they can do very difficult things and make friends; it’s okay to be sad, grieve, and excited about new opportunities.

My daughters have seen me at my lowest, battling post-partum anxiety and depression, self-doubt, and screaming with tears streaming down my face, but they have also witnessed me changing, growing and responding to stressors differently. I am not perfect. The ideals I grew up with have slowly been chipped away, and I am learning to define myself based on who God has called me to be.

I have the privilege of being a mom and a career woman contributing in ways I never thought I could or even wanted to.

Whether it be sewing a dance costume or in a discussion at a boardroom table, I am learning that the lessons we learn in life can help us as we consider more than just this earthly realm. As we meet people, we can share our faith in many different ways and places, draw on times of pain and survival, and use them to support others.

We don’t need to fit into the mold we feel Christian culture or peer pressure is placing us in or the boxes we confine ourselves to. We are free in Christ! Free to love. Free to accept the different phases we face in life. We are free to live life unashamed and boldly ourselves. We can embrace our flaws and our changing ideas of who we are as we grow and learn.

We simply have to listen and be faithful to God, no matter what the season we are journeying through.